The Prison of Insecurity

When Love Makes Conversation Dangerous

There is something profoundly strange about modern relationships.

A woman can be standing in a room surrounded by hundreds of people, and yet she may feel that she is not allowed to have a normal conversation with another man.

• Not because she is doing anything wrong.

• Not because she is flirting.

• Not because she wants another relationship.

But because someone—sometimes her partner, sometimes society, and sometimes her own insecurity—has transformed an ordinary conversation into a potential threat.

And the same phenomenon happens to men.

A man speaks with another woman, laughs with her, shows interest in what she has to say, or simply enjoys a conversation, and suddenly the invisible courtroom opens.

• Why were you talking to her?

• What did she want?

• Did you find her attractive?

• Were you flirting?

• How long were you talking?

At some point, we have to ask ourselves:

When did being in a relationship become a restriction on being human?

The Hidden Enemy Is Often Not the Other Person

We frequently blame the stranger.

• The attractive man.

• The beautiful woman.

• The flirtatious coworker.

• The new friend.

• The person who entered the room and suddenly created insecurity.

But perhaps that is looking in the wrong direction.

The real enemy may be inside us.

Insecurity whispers:

• "Maybe I'm not enough."

• "Maybe someone else is better."

• "Maybe my partner will discover someone more attractive."

• "Maybe someone will make her laugh more."

• "Maybe someone will understand him better."

And because those thoughts are painful, we attempt to control the environment around us.

• Don't talk to him.

• Don't talk to her.

• Don't go there.

• Don't dress like that.

• Don't smile at him.

• Don't have male friends.

• Don't have female friends.

• Don't spend time alone with the opposite sex.

• Don't give anyone the opportunity.

But there is a fundamental problem with this philosophy.

Removing opportunities does not create trust.

It merely creates a controlled environment in which insecurity feels safer.

Love Is Not a Security System

A relationship should not operate like an airport security checkpoint.

Your partner should not have to scan every conversation before it is permitted.

• Conversation detected.

• Male detected.

• Female detected.

• Potential threat.

• Relationship security protocol activated.

This sounds ridiculous when stated explicitly.

Yet versions of this behavior happen every day.

The problem is that jealousy is often romanticized.

People say:

"He's jealous because he loves me."

"She's jealous because she cares."

Sometimes that is true.

But jealousy can also mean:

"I'm afraid I don't have enough value to keep you."

Those are very different things.

Love says:

"I trust you."

Insecurity says:

"I need to control the environment around you."

The Difference Between Boundaries and Ownership

Every healthy relationship needs boundaries.

But boundaries should protect the relationship, not imprison the individual.

There is a tremendous difference between:

"I don't want us to engage in secret romantic conversations with other people."

and:

"You shouldn't talk to men."

The first establishes mutual expectations.

The second establishes ownership.

And ownership is not love.

• You do not own another human being because they love you.

• You do not own their voice.

• You do not own their friendships.

• You do not own their eyes.

• You do not own their ability to speak to another person.

• You have a relationship with them.

That is something entirely different.

A Woman Does Not Stop Being a Human Being Because She Has a Boyfriend

This should not even need to be said.

A woman can be intelligent.

• She can be beautiful.

• She can be charismatic.

• She can be married.

• She can be committed.

And she can still talk to men.

• She can have male friends.

• She can work with men.

• She can laugh with men.

• She can have an intellectually stimulating conversation with a man.

None of those things automatically invalidate her relationship.

The same is true for men.

A committed man does not become blind to the existence of women.

• He does not stop being capable of conversation.

• He does not suddenly lose his social intelligence.

• He simply learns where his commitments are.

• That is maturity.

Attraction Is Not Betrayal

We also need to become more intellectually honest about attraction.

People in relationships do not suddenly become biologically incapable of noticing beautiful people.

A married woman may notice an attractive man.

A married man may notice an attractive woman.

That is not necessarily a betrayal.

What we do with attraction is what matters.

There is a gigantic difference between:

"That person is attractive."

and

"I am going to pursue that person."

There is another gigantic difference between:

"I enjoyed talking with her."

and

"I want to replace my partner with her."

Human beings are capable of seeing beauty without possessing it.

They are capable of appreciating another person without pursuing them.

They are capable of interacting without crossing boundaries.

Perhaps our relationships would become healthier if we stopped confusing awareness with intention.

The Ultimate Test of Love Is Freedom

Here is the uncomfortable philosophical question:

Would you still trust your partner if you could not control them?

Because if the answer is no, perhaps what you have is not trust.

Perhaps you have supervision.

A person can be prevented from cheating because they have no opportunity.

But that does not demonstrate character.

Character is demonstrated when opportunity exists and the person chooses not to betray you.

That is why freedom is so important.

A partner who has freedom and chooses you is giving you something far more valuable than a partner who has been socially isolated.

One is loyalty.

The other may simply be restriction.

The Relationship Prison

The most dangerous relationships may not begin with chains.

They begin with small requests.

"Don't talk to him."

Then:

"Why does he keep texting you?"

Then:

"I don't like you going there."

Then:

"You don't need those friends."

Eventually, the person begins managing their own behavior before their partner even has to say anything.

• They stop talking to certain people.

• They stop laughing freely.

• They stop participating in certain social environments.

• They begin calculating every interaction.

And eventually they have learned the rules of the prison.

The remarkable part is that there may be no physical walls.

The walls are psychological.

Insecurity Can Become a Collective Disease

Perhaps this is bigger than individual relationships.

We live in an age where people constantly compare themselves to everyone else.

Social media has created an endless marketplace of beauty, wealth, success, youth, fitness, relationships, and lifestyles.

Everywhere we look, someone appears to be better.

• More attractive.

• More successful.

• More interesting.

• More desirable.

That environment can produce enormous insecurity.

And insecure people often seek certainty.

But relationships cannot provide absolute certainty.

• There will always be someone more attractive.

• There will always be someone younger.

• There will always be someone richer.

• There will always be someone funnier.

• There will always be someone who possesses a quality you do not possess.

The question is not:

"Can I eliminate all competition?"

The question is:

"Why does my partner choose me?"

Become the Person Who Is Worth Choosing

Perhaps the healthiest response to insecurity is not control.

It is development.

• Become kinder.

• Become wiser.

• Become more interesting.

• Become more emotionally intelligent.

• Become more dependable.

• Become more curious.

• Become more courageous.

• Become someone with whom another person can build something extraordinary.

Do not spend your life trying to eliminate every person who might theoretically attract your partner.

Build a relationship so meaningful that both of you understand what you have created.

That is a much harder task.

But it is also much more beautiful.

Love Needs Oxygen

A relationship needs oxygen.

• It needs conversation.

• It needs friendships.

• It needs individual identities.

• It needs laughter.

• It needs intellectual stimulation.

• It needs experiences outside the relationship.

• It needs trust.

And above all, it needs room for two human beings to remain human.

If love becomes a system of restrictions, eventually the relationship can suffocate.

The irony is extraordinary:

The more desperately we try to prevent someone from leaving, the more uncomfortable we may make it for them to stay.

The New Definition of Relationship Security

Perhaps we need to redefine security.

Security is not:

"My partner never talks to anyone attractive."

Security is:

"My partner can talk to anyone and I still trust who they are."

Security is not:

"Nobody else wants my partner."

Security is:

"Other people may want my partner, but my partner knows what we have."

Security is not:

"I have eliminated every temptation."

Security is:

"I trust my partner's judgment when temptation exists."

That is a much higher level of relationship.

It requires two strong people instead of one controlling person and one restricted person.

Love Is a Choice Made in Freedom

Perhaps this is the ultimate lesson.

Love becomes more meaningful when it is freely chosen.

• You cannot force someone to love you.

• You cannot control someone into loyalty.

• You cannot restrict someone into genuine commitment.

• And you cannot eliminate every attractive person from the planet.

What you can do is build yourself.

• Build your character.

• Build your confidence.

• Build your communication.

• Build your relationship.

• Build trust.

And then give the other person something extraordinarily rare:

freedom.

• Let them walk into the room.

• Let them meet people.

• Let them talk.

• Let them laugh.

• Let them experience the world.

And then watch what they choose.

Because if someone stays with you only because you have successfully isolated them from everyone else, you have not really won.

But if they can meet the entire world and still turn toward you—

that is love.

And perhaps the greatest form of security is finally understanding that you do not need to imprison someone to keep them.

You need to become someone they freely want to stay with.

Leonardo Mora

CEO of Vision

GAWK Corporation